My Struggle with Faith as a Special Needs Parent
Heather McCain
I think it's important that I start this by saying that I am speaking for myself and many of other parents in my shoes that I've met along the way, but not for everyone.
Some of us cling to our faith, and some of us struggle with it while raising a child with special needs. I personally have teetered back and forth between the two, but find myself struggling more often than not.
I know that the basis of faith is to trust without seeing, but I can't help questioning what good and divine power would allow a child to suffer the way I have seen my son suffer. I can't help wondering why a loving deity who is said to feel for us the way we feel for our own children wouldn't act on my endless hours of prayer for my child.
I know reading this might make some people uncomfortable, but this is my truth. I'm not sure anyone could possibly understand until they've seen their child stop breathing, or lying in a hospital bed attached to beeping machines, or sped to a school praying to arrive before an ambulance comes and carries your child away without you.
Some of us cling to our faith, and some of us struggle with it while raising a child with special needs. I personally have teetered back and forth between the two, but find myself struggling more often than not.
I know that the basis of faith is to trust without seeing, but I can't help questioning what good and divine power would allow a child to suffer the way I have seen my son suffer. I can't help wondering why a loving deity who is said to feel for us the way we feel for our own children wouldn't act on my endless hours of prayer for my child.
I know reading this might make some people uncomfortable, but this is my truth. I'm not sure anyone could possibly understand until they've seen their child stop breathing, or lying in a hospital bed attached to beeping machines, or sped to a school praying to arrive before an ambulance comes and carries your child away without you.
The thing is, I'm a believer. Or, at least I desperately want to believe the way I once did before I stared one of life's most harsh cruelties in the face time and time again. The suffering of my child, the most precious thing in the world to me.
I sometimes feel guilty for questioning, other times I feel angry at what seems like silence in return to my prayers. Prayers that are sometimes more like desperate pleas. Other times I feel like my nearly empty cup of faith is the only thing keeping my spirit hydrated. It's hard, this constant battle within.
Even harder is that, often, when special needs parents express our feelings about faith and how unfair the big battles our children face are, we are often met with Bible verses and preaching instead of understanding. We are told that without a higher power, maybe our kids would suffer even more. Maybe we wouldn't have the strength to take care of them. Sometimes the implication seems to be that if we would just stand more firm in our faith, things would be better, as if we haven't prayed and begged and tried to negotiate our own health in exchange for theirs night after night.
So, we don't talk about it often. Because we know there are few experiences that are comparable to an innocent child who was handed a lifetime of struggles the moment they were born. We know it is hard for people who haven't walked this path to understand.
But I'm talking about it now because I need to say it, and I'm willing to bet there are other parents who need this to be said, too. Sometimes the questions are heavy, sometimes prayers are not answered, and sometimes faith hurts.
I sometimes feel guilty for questioning, other times I feel angry at what seems like silence in return to my prayers. Prayers that are sometimes more like desperate pleas. Other times I feel like my nearly empty cup of faith is the only thing keeping my spirit hydrated. It's hard, this constant battle within.
Even harder is that, often, when special needs parents express our feelings about faith and how unfair the big battles our children face are, we are often met with Bible verses and preaching instead of understanding. We are told that without a higher power, maybe our kids would suffer even more. Maybe we wouldn't have the strength to take care of them. Sometimes the implication seems to be that if we would just stand more firm in our faith, things would be better, as if we haven't prayed and begged and tried to negotiate our own health in exchange for theirs night after night.
So, we don't talk about it often. Because we know there are few experiences that are comparable to an innocent child who was handed a lifetime of struggles the moment they were born. We know it is hard for people who haven't walked this path to understand.
But I'm talking about it now because I need to say it, and I'm willing to bet there are other parents who need this to be said, too. Sometimes the questions are heavy, sometimes prayers are not answered, and sometimes faith hurts.
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