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Is He at Peace Now?
​On Suicide Loss

2 minute read
Heather McCain
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My loved one didn't die peacefully.

One day, after work, he turned a gun on himself, and I don't think I'll ever get over it.

It wasn't the first loss I ever experienced, but it was the most difficult to cope with. The grief is ... different. More confusing. It isn't that kind of grief that feels like a sharp knife slicing at your soul. It is dull and cuts deep and slow.

No matter how much I try to understand, my heart has a hard time accepting the reality, even years later. I learned as much as I could about mental illness and suicide, hoping that knowledge would somehow ease my pain. It did a little, but I will always have questions that no amount of research can answer.
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What were his last thoughts? Did he have time to regret it? Did he feel pain? Did he know that day at work that it would be his last day? What did he think my life would be like without him? Is he at peace now?

And the guilt. Oh, the guilt. I know it isn't my fault - deep down, I really do. But I still wonder if I could have stopped him. I wonder if there was anything I could have done differently to change his mind.

People who have not experienced a loss by suicide don't understand. They say, "You do know there is nothing you could have done, right?"

I tell them, "Yes, I know."

But, inside I am screaming, "No! I don't know! I'll never know!"

I'll never know, and that is my reality. That is the reality of every suicide loss survivor that I know. So, be patient with us. Be kind. And, please, try to understand that it is difficult to accept what feels like it should have never been.

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